Today has been one of THOSE days. You know one of THOSE days when all of your good intentions go out of the window. All of the stimulating and educational play time, doing a little house work and running your errands gets totally pushed aside and its a wonder that your dressed and have put a brush through through your hair!! My normally happy little pickle has turned into a whingey snot monster. I don't know if its teething or a little cold but I do know that although it isn't his fault, today has been hard! And it was made even harder by a massive attack of Mummy guilt this evening!
Bubba is normally so happy to sit and play. He isn't normally clingy and is happy either playing with you or by himself but today he just couldn't make his mind up. One minute he wants to sit and play, the next he is crying so I give him a cuddle, then he squirms so much to try to get away from me you would think that I was the child catcher or something and then after all this he relents and has a cuddle for 30 seconds to regain his strength to do it all again! All day we have either had a constant whinge sound were he is trying to tell me that something isn't right or a high pitch scream at the top of his voice just because he can(a new trick he has mastered and loves to show off...especially in public places like a quite post office or library....). It tiring and emotionally draining as my little person isn't feeling right and there's not much I can do about it.
I then started to clock watching for Daddy to get home and of course tonight there was a load of traffic so he didn't get home until 20 mins before bed time so only caught the tail end of this pint sized hurricane that has torn through my house (and head) today. It was only when bubba was in the bath that I stopped feeling so anxious and stressed and tired and just looked at him. This little person who was flashing me the biggest toothless smile I had seen all day. As I looked into his glittery baby blue eyes it dawned on me that none of this is his fault. Hes not doing it on purpose to piss me off or be naughty, but he is just as frustrated if not more so than I am. He is feeling poorly and can't tell me what hurts or what he wants. And that is where it gets me, the mummy guilt.
I am sitting on the bathroom floor with tears welling up in my eyes as my heart reminds me of the overwhelming love and protection I feel for this little boy. In the mist of the tears, snot and screaming of today I have forgotten that he is still my smiling little bubba who is just feeling a little crappy and I feel so guilty for feeling drained, tired and stressed as its not his fault that he has been like this all day. I feel guilty for having a moan to hubby on the phone about how much hard work bubba has been today as I remember that the poor little thing doesn't know any different.
Mummy guilt is an awful thing and I am pretty sure it will not be the last time I feel it but at least it puts things in perspective. Me and bubba just have to muddle along and see what tomorrow brings..actually what tonight brings as I can't imagine this is going to be an easy one but I will happily do it whilst remembering that little boy in the bath and the rush of love I felt when he flashed that gummy smile!
So send me your prays that bubba will start feeling better and tonight won't be too tough for the two of us...and send coffee for the morning :)
Whats made you have an attack of mummy guilt before?