23.5.15

New life during loss..

To start I just want to ask that you do bear with me during this post. It is something that I have wanted to write about for a while to offer support to others in a similar position but it is without a doubt the hardest post I have written so far.

When you find out you are expecting a baby the emotions are so all over the place. I felt nervous, excited, hopeful, worried, proud..a huge range of things. I remember the excitement of bringing a new life into the world. A new little person to join our little family and our wider family. Hubby and I are the eldest children in our families so we were excited to be the first to bring a grandchild into our parents lives. For one of my seats of grandparents it was also the first great grandchild and as much as my Grandad (I actually never call him that, he is Brissy...long story!) isn't a man on many words and doesn't normally do babies, I could tell he was surprisingly excited.

My pregnancy progressed and we started to get everything ready for his big arrival. Family continued to get more and more excited with my Mum especially buying little bits and bobs for her eagerly anticipated Grandson. I won't forget the day that she came round with the new though. She seems so different that normal. Not excited but tried, pressured and with the weight of the world on her shoulders. My Mum is the strongest woman I know and seeing her like this that day, I knew that something was wrong. Hubby was also in the room too and it was as if she knew he was coming (which I later found out he did).

It was then that she told me that in among all of the new baby anticipation and happiness, there was a black cloud and storm coming. Brissy had cancer. Terminal cancer and he had between 6 months to 1 year. Writing this now almost a year after that day, I am still struggling to see through the tears. My head raced with so many different things but the biggest was that I wanted, more than anything in the world, for him to meet his first, and what would be only, great grandchild.

I did get my wish and Brissy spent 5 wonderful months being Bubba's favorite. As Brissy fell more and more poorly he started to struggle to speak but I remember just after Christmas, Bubba was in his bouncer and Brissy was just not giving a damn about the fact he couldn't talk much and was using all his energy to keep Bubba laughing and smiling at him! This is one of my favorite memories of the two of them. Whenever Bubba was around him, he would be smiling and giggling and loving the time he was spending with him. Part of me felt like it was almost like he knew he was bringing so much happiness to his Great GrandBrissy and that was why he was so good. Brissy loved my little boy so much and he may have only been little but my God could you see that my little boy loved him back just as much.

When he passed in February, the way I dealt with it surprised me. Yes I grieved. I grieved not only for myself, my Mum, my Nan, my brothers..but I grieved mainly for my little boy. For my tiny little 5 month old who would never get to see first hand the love that his Great GrandBrissy had for him. Who would never get to understand for himself why Brissy filled my childhood with amazing memories and for Bubba to make new ones for himself with him. It broke my hear, yet I found myself taking comfort in Bubba. He was my way of coping and I poured myself into being the best Mummy possible for my little boy. This may have meant that I spoiled him for a month or so with cuddles and letting him sleep on me all the time but in a way I didn't feel strong enough to fight with him and I also found that he was my distraction from the aching in my chest.

This then leads me to the point of writing this post and to what I hope will help others in this kind of horrid situation. I think this all happened for a reason. I have always been a believer in fate and I do honestly believe that Bubba being brought into our lives when he was and Brissy falling so ill when he did was all just the way it had to be. Bubba became everyone's little beacon of light and hope. Even before he was born and in the darkest days, he was my reason to keep on going and I like to think that he was a little bit of sunshine for my family through all of the rain clouds.

It was a strange thing to find myself feeling happy and hopeful about the new life we had created when my family and I were loosing someone we all cared about so much. A few times I found myself wondering why life had to be so cruel as to bring one life into the world but yet take another away but after 3 months I have started to realise that I shouldn't see it like this and the ache does start to ease and life does start to seem a little brighter. I am grateful that they had 5 precious months together and realise now that everything happens for a reason. My Bubba now has someone who loved him oh so very much sitting on his star protecting him and watching over him and I can sleep well knowing this.

What I want to say if you are going through anything similar is that it does get better, Yes it is one the hardest things when you loose someone you love but it does get better. The rain clouds do start to fade away and the sunshine does eventually break through but it will take time. And, those rain clouds may well come back (in my case I unfortunately know they will do) and you will have to do it all over again but it will get better. Focus on your family and being the best Mummy/Daddy you can be for your child. Focus on the here and now, spend time with those you love and treasure the memories you make with your child so even if they can't remember it, you can tell them. Keep those family members memories alive through your children as those Nanny's, Granddads, great grandparents are still there, watching and loving, but you just can't see them.

Dedicated to my Brissy
xxx

This post is linked with:
The Dad Network
MaternityMondays
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29 comments:

  1. I'm sure B would be very proud of that post. Jen was v close to her nanny and ten years after loosing her she still finds comfort in visiting her ashes and talking to her. A great message- cherish life and live each day to the full, loving those around you. Sorry for your loss of your lovely Grandad.

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    1. Thank you Al. That was exactly the message I wanted to give x

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  2. This is a beautiful post! The message in ot o's clear and something that can be so easily missed when grieving. We lost my mum when my youngest was just over a year old. Grief prevented me in so many ways to connect and cherish the closeness that I could have had in that time and it took me a while to embrace life. I didn't focus on them and the grey clouds consumed me. Now though I'm past that and I look at my children differently, we talk, laugh and share about my mum, something both boys love. Knowing that you're lived eternally by someone who only got a small period of time with can become a comfort to carry on. I hope if anything happened again I can focus on the here and now and share the memories earlier than I did before.
    Sorry for your loss, he would be so proud of you all and continue to share memories and love. X

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read Martyn. Your thoughts mean a lot x

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    2. Just reread this as part of the Linky. I still am amazed how beautifully put this is. I do hope others read it and gain comfort

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  3. So sorry for your loss. Beautiful post in memory of him and you will be able to share those memories in years to come x

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  4. Lovely post, you have some wonderful memories to share with your son when he's older. Sorry for your loss x

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  5. Oh dear my face is all a bit soggy, a very lovely post. And how so very wonderful that they got to meet each other and that you could share your little miracle with him. Baby think is so lucky to have her great grandparents around and I can't imagine what it will be like the day they're not around. V brave post to write, and I hope very comforting for you too x

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    1. Oh no! Sorry you have soggy face :) Thanks for reading xx

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  6. Balling crying reading this. Such great memories. Beautifully written. #mummymonday

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  7. Balling crying reading this. Such great memories. Beautifully written. #mummymonday

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  8. This is a lovely post and beautifully written. Your son won't remember Brissy, but he will see the photos and he will hear the stories. You will still make Brissy a central part of your son's life. This is the important thing. Brissy clearly made an indelible and positive mark on you and your family and his legacy will be making a positive mark on your son. Good luck. x x

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your lovely comments xx

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  9. A beautiful post and one I relate to on many levels, we found out we were having the toddler 3 days before my dad died and it was that baby that helped pull us all through. Never forgetand you will keep Brissy alive for Bubba xx #mummymondays

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  10. Such a lovely post and so emotional, made me tear up a little. I am so sorry for your loss as he sounds like a wonderful man but I am glad you have bubba and that being his mummy has helped you through this difficult time. Hugs and thanks for linking with #MaternityMondays

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  11. Such a lovely tribute post. I am sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was 10 so it affected me differently at that age I guess xx

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  12. wonderfully written,, Brissy cherished the time he spent with Bubba it light up his days, and Bubba now helps Nanny to cope and also great nanny xxxx

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  13. This is beautifully written. read with a tear in my eye. at least brissy got to meet bubba, cherish that. xxx

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  14. Such a lovely post sweetie. It is sad that he won't get to experience the Brissy you had, but at least you can tell him of all the wonderful memories and speak fondly of him. You are so lucky to have had him, I didn't and don't have anyone like that. It's amazing how babies can help you carry on. Mwah xx #maternitymondays

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  15. Such a sad story. I really sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain and follow your request, cherish all the little moments with our loved ones.

    Thank you for this beautiful post.

    #TwinklyTuesday

    xx Marta

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  16. Such a lovely post. I am currently in the same position. Pregnant with my 2nd and my other in law was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour only 6 weeks ago. Thank you for this xx

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  17. I have hovered over this post a few times now too scared to click on it for what might happen. I am reading it at my sisters house where we have been all day to say our goodbyes to her very poorly husband. A man I have known for 25 years. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing as it has given me some comfort. #twinklytuesdays

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    1. I'm so so sorry for your loss but so glad that this helped you know that your not alone. Sending lots of love to your family x

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  18. What a beautiful testament to the important men in your life. My daughters never had a chance to meet my grandmother, who died 8 years before they were born. I frequently imagine how much they would have adored each other. I'm so sorry for your loss, and your son's.

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

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  19. Ah, your love for your grandad comes shining through Ami and I'm really sorry for your loss. This is one thing my children will never experience as my husband and I are that much older all of our grandparents were gone before we even met each other. I do sometimes wonder how much my grandparents would have loved my boys. It's good to think that the family cycle has its beginnings and endings and your baby came when he did for a reason. Thanks so much for linking up to #thetruthabout hon Xx

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  20. Thank you for sharing, like you my husband recently lost his grandpa, after a sad year of him having a rapid attacking dementia. His Pa adored our son, again the first great grandchild, and he used to get so sad that my son wouldn't remember him. But this isn't true, through us they live on in memories and stories shared. Now aged 7, he still talks about his Pa, who's gone to heaven and is watching us (around watching the GP) he has pictures of him and we will always continue to talk about him. So sorry for your loss and happy you managed to get them to meet xx #thetruthabout

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