Before I write this I want to start by saying that this post is in NO WAY a dig at anyone..it is purely me wanting to get some of my feeling out in the open in the hope that talking about it might make it a little bit easier.
At the moment I am experiencing a massive struggle between what my head is saying and what my heart wants. Let me give you a little bit of background..
Bubba has been on this world for 444 days. That's 444 days that he has been the centre of my world and 444 nights I have tucked him in. In a few days time, this won't be the case anymore. On Saturday me and Hubby are travelling just over 200 miles away to his work Christmas function and we are staying away for the night. It will be the first time I won't get to check on him and give him a kiss before I go to sleep and it will be the first time I won't wake up to his perfect little face in 444 days. This is what is causing the fight between my heart and my head.
My heart is telling me not to go! I have honestly shead tears to my husband at the thought of going away. I can't even begin to tell you how sad, guilty, nervous, worried and upset I feel. I feel like I am being an awful parent for leaving him for the night. What if he wakes up and doesn't realise where he is and gets upset? What if he doesn't settle and gets really upset and won't go to sleep? What if he feels poorly in the night? What if the travel cot isn't comfy and he hates spending then night in it? What if he's really poorly or something happens and we are 200 miles away? What if he misses us and doesn't understand where mummy and daddy are? What if he wakes up in the night and misses his room and his cot? What if people judge us for leaving him? Am I being selfish by going with hubby! Should I stay home and look after him? What if he resents us when we come back for leaving him? Such silly questions and worries but they honestly play on my mind!
Then my head kicks in and I wonder why I am worrying so much?!? Bubba is going to be staying with his Nanny at her house. He goes there every Friday and always has a great time and is always happy there. He sleeps in the travel cot and knows the room and house and FOR GODS SAKE..he's with his Nanny!! He might be my son but he is her Grandson and I know she would never do anything to put him at any harm or upset him and she will look after him. Then I think as well that she has raised 4 boys herself.. They all turned out fine so why am I so nervous?? If anything happens me and hubs will have phones with us and we will have to drive back. My mother in law has even said hat if bubs is really REALLY bad and won't settle then she will come to ours and put him to bed in his own room. I also think, well what's the worst that can happen? If he doesn't settle then he will just cry and MIL will have to deal with it and give cuddles/ soothing etc until he goes to sleep. It's not like he's not a good sleeper normally and it's not like he's not slept there before, just not for that amount of time. The way I am feeling is nothing against my mother in law whatsoever as I know how wonderful she is with Bubs and I can see how much he loves his nanny. I think I would feel like this regardless of who was looking after him.
So that's my internal struggle at the moment. We are going to the party as it's important to hubby and I do also feel a little like it will be good for bubs to spend a night without us to see how he gets on (we are going away next September and that will be 4 nights in a travel cot so he will have to get used to it) and it will also be nice for me and hubby to spend some time together but it doesn't stop me from feeling so awful and nervous. I know that things will most probably be fine too but I can't help but just feel a tug at my heart when ever I think of leaving my bubs :(
What I need from you out there is your thoughts. Is my heart right or my heart? Any reassurance for a overprotective mother who doesn't want to leave her child? I'd love to know what you think in the comments below :)