27.10.16

I'm sorry I'm failing you... | Letter to my son

Dear Pickle,

I feel like I need to apologise to you. You won't understand if I actually tell you why I am sorry but I am hoping that by letting all of my feelings spill out over this page that I will feel just a smidge better.
I feel like I am failing you. Not at this precise moment in time...right now you are quite happily playing on the floor in front of me with you paw patrol cars without a care in the world. I feel like I am failing you as your mother in general.



Since we came home from Disneyland Paris about 4 weeks ago things have been so difficult. It started with you getting an ear infection. That then changed to a virus with a nasty rash on your back. Then you caught a sickness bug and now you have a horrible cough and cold. I know it is the season for bugs and illnesses but I just don't understand why you seem to be continually poorly and I can't blame anyone else but myself. Is the house clean enough? Are you getting the right nutrients and vitamins you need? Is there something I am doing that means you keep getting ill? Should I be doing more to protect you from getting poorly? I don't know!! All I can do is keep trying to keep you healthy but right now, I seem to be failing miserably and for that I am so sorry little boy. I hate seeing you poorly as it makes you so grumpy and unlike yourself.

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That then leads on to the next thing I am sorry about..I am so sorry that I have not been able to help you with your speech more. I am getting a little bit worried about the rate at which your speech is developing as I always thought that, at the age you are now, you would be taking so much more than you are. You are really trying and you say about 15-20 words at the moment but you want to say so much more and have so much that you try to tell me. I try my hardest to understand you and encourage you to use words but it just doesn't seem to be working. We are using flash cards...I am trying to encourage you to say what you want before I give it to you but it just doesn't seem to be working. This means you get frustrated and end up having a tantrum and I end up getting upset and frustrated because I can't understand what you want and your having a tantrum. It's like a vicious circle that we can't seem to break and I am so sorry that I can't fix it and understand what you want. The tantrums you have been having the past week or so have been on a new level and I think that is where you are getting older and more angry that you can't tell me what's going on. Me and Daddy are trying to deal with them the best way that we can but I wish you could understand how hard it is for us too. I hate seeing you red in the face, crying and screaming because you don't want to eat your dinner but because you can't talk to us you can't tell us what's wrong or why you don't want to eat so we just have to preserve and try to get you to eat.

Everyone around me is telling me that your fine and that there is nothing more I should be doing. I'm being told that your development is fine and some children are just slower talking. People have said that your health is fine and it's just what kids your age do... they are always snotty but no matter what people are saying I still can't help feeling painfully guilty that I am doing something wrong and failing you. You've got your 2 and a half year check soon so hopefully the health visitor will be able to offer some support if things haven't progressed but for now all I can do is my best.

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I'm sorry that I'm failing you little man but please know that I am trying to do everything in my power to help you. You are mine and Daddy's worlds and we want to help you so much and are doing our best to do so.

Love you millions.

Mummy xxxxxxxxxxx

this post is linked with:
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1 comment:

  1. Oh lovely you're not failing him. It sounds to me like you're doing a wonderful job - and the fact that you're worried about him shows you are doing the best you can and that you care - far from failing him. All will be well. You'll look back on this in time to come and wonder why you were so worried. The tantrums - well. This maybe preparation! Mine is 4 next month and his tantrums are on a whole new level - sometimes it's worse when they can answer back - I swear I've got a 14 year old in a 4 year olds body!! Chin up lovely. You're doing great. #coolmumclub

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