This last week has been a proper shit parenting week. Not because pickle has been a pain...in fact it's the opposite. He has been learning new words, playing with all his favourite toys and just generally being his normal cheeky, loving, wonderful self. The shit part is that I haven't been around to enjoy it and I have been left feeling like a part time parent which is also pretty shit.
FYI...apologies for the use of the word shit through out this post but it describes perfectly how I am feeling right now so I am going to use it.
This week I feel that I have hardly seen pickle at all. Normally I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then get Thursday and Friday with him on my own and then Saturday and Sunday with Hubby and bubs. This week however I had an interview on Thursday, a funeral on Friday, worked and then had a photo shoot on Saturday and then had rehearsals all afternoon Sunday. I honesty can't even bring myself to work out the amount of actual hours I have spent with pickle this week and it will just make me feel worse than I already. It's not the time away specifically that is making me feel so awful but it's the way that Bubba has reacted to me being a part time parent that is the worst.
He doesn't care...he literally doesn't care. He waves me off and doesn't bat and eye lid when I say goodbye to him. Now I know most people will think that's great as it makes it easy to leave him but it actually makes me feel really shit as he cries when other people leave him...just not me. For example, we were at my in laws the other day and I was leaving so said goodbye and pickle waved me off and gave me a kiss. To test my theory I then told him that his uncle was leaving so he needed to give him a kiss goodbye... OH MY GOD...The tears that followed were unreal. It wasn't even a tantrum cry. It was a heartbroken silent cry because his uncle was leaving. I got waved off and sent on my way whilst his uncle got a devastated, heart broken melt down. That right there made me feel shit and I can only put it down to the fact that I have been such a part time parent recently so he is getting used to me leaving and that breaks my heart.
Next week I am doing Panto. I will be out the house every single day from around midday until about 11pm so I will not get to see bubba anywhere near as much as I get to normally which is just so shit! Don't get me wrong..it is my choice to go and do panto and I love being part of the company and getting my fairy shiz on for show week but it is so so hard to fight the mum guilt and not let it consume me. If pickle is going to be so not bothered after just one week of me not being around as much as I normally am, what on earth is he going to be like after panto week?? Is he going to totally forget how I am and start getting a mummy complex?? Okay, well maybe that's a bit strong but it still makes me feel pretty rubbish that I can't be around as much as normal so therefore will probably continue getting waved off and not being given a second glace.
I know that so many women have to work full time or have other commitments that means they don't get to spend as much time with their children as I get to spend with pickle but I just can't help feeling so shit about being a part time parent to him at the moment. It's normally hubby that gets the reaction I am getting at the moment... not me!! haha!! Now I guess I know how he feels.
Any tips or tips from any of you lovely lot on there on how to ease the Mum guilt and not feel so rubbish or is it just a case of riding out this difficult section of being a part time parent until normality resumes?? Let me know in the comments!
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